The author, smiling winningly Scott Raymond home

Sleep gone wrong

10 May 2001

Well, I’ve opted for the coffeeshop/sleep plan. Now the unforseen subproblem is how to go to sleep effectively with a Grande Chai Tea in my system. (Maybe the antidote for Chai Tea is T’ai Chi?)

I’m reminded of my first semester here at Ye Olde KU, the semester that I first began experimenting with the actively irregular sleep patterns that I’ve long since perfected. (The theory can be generalized as “keep your body guessing.” Basically, I try not to let my body get desensitized, or habituated, to certain conditions. Everyone knows, for example, that eating the exact same foods every day is no good; you need variety to keep things performing well. Well, freshman year I started extending that principle to everything else, including sleep patterns, meaning that I tried not to sleep at the same time two days in a row.) But I hadn’t quite mastered the practice by finals week of that first semester. So I had a calc final on Thursday night, and it was a toughie, to put it politely, and I got back to the dorm room where the guys were having a little pizza party. Being the type of guy who takes one thing at a time, I checked my calendar and found that I had an English exam at 7:30 the next morning. So, I decided to take a little nap and then study for a few hours before the test. Figuring that surely I wouldn’t really fall asleep in the midst of such raucous merrymaking, I neglected to set an alarm. Of course, you can imagine the rest of the story. When I finally rubbed my eyes awake and saw the time on the microwave, I awoke my roommates with a shriek that still echos in the sixth floor of Templin Hall today. Still fully dressed and shod, I raced to my professors office where he let me make up the exam, repeatedly pointing out how fortunate I was to have such a kind-hearted and merciful instructor.

I was also going to write something here about the finals-week tendency to chemically moderate one’s sleep patterns, with caffeine and sleeping pills, etc. But I’m going to bed instead.