18 Aug 2000
Methy’s leaving for college for the first time tomorrow, and talking to her about it makes me recall the night before I left for school, three years and three days ago. An excerpt from the archives:
“i think i’ve yet to realize the real significance of this day. today has been no different feeling than any average day. i went to the mall to get a backpack, i played around with my new computer, we went out for barbeque to ‘celebrate.’ carrie and kevin each gave me a new U2 cd, mom and dad got me a new bible. we packed up the car, so we’re ready to go first thing in the morning.
this is a crossroads in my life. my last night (in a way) under my parents’ roof. but i feel the same. so many things are about to change. but do i realize that? i’ve been far more excited preparing to leave for little four-day outings. i obviously am not grasping the scope of what ‘moving out’ symbolizes.
mom’s had a rough day, but she’s doing a good job hiding it. earlier carrie told me that she walked into mom and dad’s room and they were crying on the bed. carrie told me she herself had cried this morning. i really don’t know how to react to all this. i can understand mom, sure. but i’m having a hard time putting myself in carrie and kevin’s shoes. i may never quite know what they’re feeling.
i have no idea what tomorrow will hold. i can’t see myself breaking down with emotion, but i don’t know why i can’t. shouldn’t i be overwhelmed at a time like this? i’m leaving the people i’ve lived with for 18 years— why isn’t that fact more stirring to me than it is? i love them with all of my heart; isn’t there supposed to be some pain when you leave loved ones?
moving away. leaving home. moving out. on my own.
i’m not scared, but maybe that fact should scare me."